The Day Feury Joined the Ranks
by Dailenna
Summary: [Royai hint] Feury's first day at Eastern was somewhat dramatic, but that was to be expected when boredom takes over. 'Hints' of Avenue Q. Rated for language.


**Disclaimer:** Although I love them, I own neither FMA, nor "It Sucks To Be Me". My thanks go out to Arakawa Hiromu and the creators of "Avenue Q" for inspiring me :D

**Notes:** OOC to fit characters into other characters, and a lot of repetition of the word "suck" or "sucks". I don't think many people see it as offensive (too much exposure these days) but if you do, there's your warning. Also, written for a competition. Requirements: Must be 1500-2200 words (it's 2193) and include the words **Babies**, **Funny**, **Adorable**, **Compromise**, **Military**, **Maes Hughes**, which I've put in bold in my story to make it easier. Also, it must be Comedy, with slight Royai Romantic influences. Don't be mistaken - any normal emphasis in words is italicised. Ok, there it is, now here's my story:

"**The Day Feury Joined the Ranks**" by **Dailenna**

Emotions were low around Eastern, and boredom was severely affecting the workers. Hawkeye was double-checking some of the Colonel's paperwork while he was gone when an unusually grim **Maes Hughes **entered.

"Morning, Maes," she said warily.

"Hi, Riza." Even his voice sounded down-trodden.

"How's life?" She was slightly curious as to why the usually bubbly Lieutenant-Colonel was so down. At his look, she lowered her pen, waiting for the whole story.

"Disappointing."

That was it? She almost couldn't ask for more. With Hughes it could be anything. But, she chose to bite. "What's the matter?"

He sighed despondently. "My camera was confiscated."

Hawkeye was in shock. Not only had someone finally gathered the wits to remove Hughes' camera, but they had also prevented him from getting a new one! Who was this genius? All of Eastern would want to discover their methods for future reference. "Oh, I'm sorry," she lied.

"Me too!" Hughes cried, flinging his hands into the air. "I mean, look at me! I'm ten years into the **military**, and I always thought . . ." He trailed off.

_Oh great._ Hawkeye leant back into her chair. _So there is more to this than just the camera thing._ "You thought what?"

"No, it sounds stupid."

Stupid? He thought anything could sound stupid to _her_? "Excuse me, but I work with those bozos over there," she said, indicating the other side of the room, where Havoc and Breda were having a competition over who could fit the most cigarettes in their mouths. At least they hadn't lit them. Yet. "Try me."

A smile had finally crept onto Maes' face, and he began to sing. "When I was little, I thought I would be . . ."

"What?"

"A big photographer with a fancy degree." Oh, that figured. Hawkeye supposed that life wasn't turning out in the future he had dreamed of. "But now I'm thirty-two, and as you can see, I'm not. Oh well. It sucks to be me!"

"What the–?" How the heck did Maes' life suck? He was on his way to a high position in the military, and he had a great family. Other than the camera thing, his life seemed perfect!

"It sucks to be me!"

"What are you talking about?"

"It sucks to be a father without access to photography!" Maes shrugged. In his mind it seemed perfectly reasonable. "It sucks to be me!"

"Come on Hughes," Hawkeye reasoned, standing and walking over to where he moped. "You really think your life sucks?"

He looked confused. "That's what I've been singing."

Maes just didn't understand the agony of a life she had been made to live through. She would shoot herself before reliving the past few years, and he had the guts to complain about his own life? "Your problems aren't that bad," she said, and began to sing. "I'm kind of pretty – some call me hot," she said off to the side, almost embarrassed.

"You are," Maes admitted before scratching his neck nervously and darting a look at the gun on her hip.

"Thanks? I like romantic things like sailing and yachts." Maes was surprised. Besides the astonishment that he was in one piece, he hadn't ever known that Hawkeye liked sailing. He had also never heard her complaining before. This must be important. "And as you know, I have a fantastic shot, so why can't I get a boyfriend? It sucks to be me!"

Maes gaped. He hadn't known Hawkeye had been the maternal type! Just imagining her with her own little **babies **was so . . . **adorable**! "Me too!"

But she continued. "It sucks to be me!"

"It sucks to be Maes–"

" –And Riza–"

"–To not have a camera–"

"–To marry some geezer–"

They sung the next line in unison. "It sucks to be me!" Neither would budge. They still thought that their own predicament was worse than the other's.

At that point, the office door flung open, and Edward and Alphonse entered the room, surveying it. "Lieutenant, have you seen Mustang?" Ed asked, still scanning in case the Colonel had hidden himself behind some plant.

Hawkeye shook her head. "No, Edward. He's just gone out. Avoiding work again." She rolled her eyes, and Edward gave a short thanks and began to leave.

"Hey, Alphonse, Ed!" They turned as Maes called them. "Can you help us out for a minute?"

"Of course, Mr. Hughes," Al said as they approached the other pair. "Is everything alright? How could we help you?"

"Well," Maes started, taking a breath. "The Lieutenant and I are just in the middle of an argument–"

_May as well cut to the chase,_ Hawkeye thought. She interrupted. "Whose life sucks more? Maes' or mine?"

The expressions Ed and Al wore on their faces were of complete astonishment. They looked as though they had never heard such a shocking question in their lives. Then they looked at one another, and said together "Ours!"

Despite not having heard the tune when Hawkeye and Hughes had been singing it earlier, Al picked it up without any hassles. "We travel together–"

"–We're close as brothers in crime," Ed interrupted, looking smug.

Al cleared his throat loudly, and continued. "We've been the best of buddies–"

"–'Til Al chose to grow a spine."

Al's voice held a hint of impatience. "So Ed knows lots of ways to ruin my lines! Oh, every song is an aggravation!"

Ed's eyes had widened. "Come on, that's an exaggeration!" His arms folded over his chest, making him look like a spoiled child. Hawkeye had to school her face into indifference to keep from laughing.

Now Al's eyes had narrowed, and his tone became irritated. Was placid Alphonse Elric losing his temper? Maybe it was possible that the Elric brothers were related, after all! "You eat for hours. You're driving us into debt!"

"Oh yeah?" Ed asked, rising up to his full height – still considerably shorter than most of the occupants of the room. "You collect kittens, as though you're some kind of vet!"

"You make those small hotel rooms we always get a hell!"

"So do you! That's why I'm in hell too!"

Al threw his arms up in frustration. "It sucks to be me!"

"No, it sucks to be me!"

Oh, why not. Hawkeye joined in too. "It sucks to be me!"

Seeing that Hawkeye had joined, Maes decided to throw his lot in too. "It sucks to be me!"

"Is there anybody here it doesn't suck to be?" they all cried, looking about challengingly. Evidently not. "It sucks to be me!"

All of a sudden, Hawkeye remembered the work she had been double checking, and looked back at it. Maybe she wouldn't do it. She shouldn't have to use her own free time for checking to make sure the Colonel was doing his job. Maes tried to remember the reason he had been disappointed that morning, but the song had pushed it from his mind. What a catchy tune . . . Ed and Al looked at each other. Now that they had their problems out, maybe they could figure out a **compromise**. It would make it a lot easier living together since they had removed those unvoiced problems.

The door of the office opened to reveal Gracia Hughes. Her face was stormy, and Elycia sat on one hip, wearing a cute little pink-and-white dress. The toddler grinned at seeing her father, but Maes waved timidly, for once appearing to be contained around his wife and daughter.

_So it was Gracia who took his camera, I suppose,_ Hawkeye thought. The facial expression certainly made her look as though she had become irritated by _something_, and Hughes was acting too much like a dog with its tail between its legs for it not to be something about him.

"Why are you all so happy?" Gracia asked sullenly.

"Because our lives suck!" Ed cried out before he could stop himself. Straight away, he put his hands over his mouth. Would Gracia rebuke him for using that word around Elycia?

Gracia's eyes narrowed. "Your lives suck? Did I hear that correctly? _Ha!_" Again, a miracle as it was, Gracia managed to pick up the tune that the others had been singing. Maybe it was just something about the room. "I came to the city for opportunities. Tried my hand at counselling, but not one patient paid my fees! But with some luck, I met Maes and we were married, and then had Elysia. So now I'm a housewife, and my husband obsesses over _toddlers _and _dresses_!"

As one, the occupants of the room turned to Maes, who was trying not to look guilty. "Why did you think I made special mention over what Elysia was wearing when I showed you pictures?"

Gracia blew her breath out of her nose loudly. "It sucks to be me! It sucks to be me! I say it sucks, and sucks, and sucks, and sucks, and sucks, and sucks, and SUCKS! It sucks to be me!" By now, Gracia was flushed with anger, glaring daggers at her husband.

Hughes was busy being meek and mild. "So why did you come in to the office, honey? Is something wrong, or . . ?" He cringed, waiting to be rebuffed.

"No," Gracia replied loftily. "I only came to inform you that your camera ban will remain in place until September."

Hughes scowled while the rest of the room cheered quietly. A whole three months of him without a camera? That could mean no pictures! It seemed like heaven!

The door swung open slowly, letting in a short, dark-haired man. He peered through his glasses nervously at the group that had gathered. "E-excuse me?" he asked, stepping into the room nervously.

"Hey there, kid," Maes said, putting on a warm smile as he stepped around his wife to invite the guy in. "What do you need?"

The newcomer blinked and pushed up his glasses. "H-hi. I'm sorry to bother you, but my name is Kain Feury, and I think I just got assigned to this squad."

Gracia frowned. "Why were you sent all the way out here?"

Feury gave an apologetic smile. "Well, I was hoping to be stationed at Central, but I'm not good enough for there yet, so I got booted to Eastern with the rest of the military rejects." He didn't seem to notice the unimpressed faces around him. "You guys need a techie, right?"

Flatly, Maes told him "You need to talk to the Colonel. Let me go get him."

"Great! Thanks!"

Maes opened the door again, and made a show of allowing his wife and daughter out, before peering down the hallway. "Yo! Roy!"

Mustang's voice could be heard approaching. "I'm comin', I'm comin'," he yelled back.

As he finally rounded the door and entered his office, young Feury gaped. He had taken in the spark-gloves with a quick sweep of his eyes, and that face was known everywhere around town. "Oh my gosh! It's the Flame Alchemist!"

Catching sight of the newcomer, Roy paused. "Why, yes I am!" The moment called for music, and although his tune was the same as the others (yet again! How _did_ they do it?), it seemed slightly more upbeat, and Mustang looked almost as though he was about to start dancing. "I'm the Flame Alchemist from Amestris' latest war. I have a reputation as a guy who's out to score–" he quickly winked at Hawkeye, who froze from shock. "But Ishbal's gone, and could you writers make me angst more? So now I'm here – the arrogant Colonel! – at Eastern HQ!"

The group laughed. "It sucks to be you!"

"You win!" Hawkeye conceded, backing off quickly.

"It sucks to be you!"

"I feel better now," Maes grinned.

"Try having people stopping you to click their fingers and 'kaboom!'," Roy sung desperately, pausing for a brief interlude "Please! I hate myself enough already!"

The group crowded about him, a few patting his back as they sang louder and louder. "It sucks to be yoo-oo-ou. At Eastern HQ, sucks to be me. At Eastern HQ, sucks to be you. At Eastern HQ, sucks to be us, yet more when we're together!" By this time, the whole office was waving their hands in the air. "We're together here at Eastern HQ. We work at Eastern HQ! Our 'friends' do too! 'Til our dreams come true, we have to work at Eastern HQ!"

"Wow," Feury said, "this is really it!"

"We work at Eastern HQ!"

Ed thumped him on the back. "Oh, you'll love it here!"

"We work at Eastern HQ!"

"If you really want in, then here's your desk," Mustang said, a warning tone striking in his voice as he patted the timber platform beside him. It looked a little **funny **– as though someone had nailed together five pieces of wood they had found at a dump.

"Welcome to Eastern HQ!"

And this was exactly what happened on Kain Feury's first day working at Eastern HQ. He is still surprised that he has lived to tell the tale.


End file.
